Stay on the Wall: Repairing What Violence Has Broken

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In the wake of this tragedy, we cannot look away from the deadly reality that intimate partner violence can and does end in murder. It is not distant. It is not rare. It is a crisis that continues to harm, endanger, and, too often, take the lives of women.

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In that spirit, we pause to honor the life of Cerina Wanzer Fairfax. A graduate of Duke University and Virginia Commonwealth University’s School of Dentistry, she built a life marked by discipline, excellence, and care. She was a respected dentist, a devoted mother, and a woman whose work served her community with dignity. We refuse to let her name be reduced to tragedy alone. We speak her name with reverence and grief, and we affirm that every woman is worthy of safety, dignity, and love.

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Moments like this force us to confront more than individual failure. They call us to examine the systems and assumptions that allow harm to persist. They call those of us who claim to love the Black family to the holy work of dismantling patriarchy wherever it shows up in our homes, our language, our relationships, and our church.

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Our faith gives us a name for this work. It is repair.

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Easter is not sentiment. It is not a seasonal mood or a liturgical flourish. Easter is God’s declaration that what has been broken can be made whole. But the risen Christ does more than step out of the tomb. He turns to His disciples and sends them into the world with responsibility. Resurrection is not only a miracle to celebrate. It is a mandate to live differently.

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Repair requires truth-telling. We must tell the truth about harm without softening it. We must tell the truth about the ways patriarchy distorts love into control and power into entitlement. We must tell the truth about the silence that allows violence to grow unchecked.

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Repair requires accountability. That means we do not hide behind reputation or familiarity. We do not rush to defend men simply because they are known to us. We do not interrogate women into silence. Accountability means that our love for one another is measured not by how quickly we protect each other from consequences, but by how faithfully we call each other into righteousness.

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Repair requires a reordering of our lives. It demands that we redefine what it means to be men of God. Strength is not domination. Love is not control. Authority is not entitlement. To follow Christ is to exercise self-control, listen deeply, honor boundaries, and protect the vulnerable.

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The witness of Nehemiah guides us. When the wall was broken, he did not theorize. He rebuilt. And when distraction came, he answered with clarity, “I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down.”

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That must be our posture.

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We cannot come down from the work of telling the truth. We cannot come down from the work of holding one another accountable. We cannot come down from the work of protecting women and creating spaces where they are safe, believed, and honored.

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To the men reading this, hear this plainly. If Christ got up, then we must rise too. Not in defense of ourselves, but in commitment to change. It is on us to listen without interruption, to examine our conduct without excuse, to intervene when we see harm, and to end the violence that too often hides in silence.

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To the women who have carried harm, we say this with humility. We hear you. We honor your dignity. We are committed to building a community where your safety is not negotiable and your voice is not questioned into submission.

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Beloved, this is holy work. It is difficult work. It is necessary work.

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And we will stay on the wall.

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Because loving us should not cost you your life. 

 

Here are 10 concrete steps men can work on. This Call to Repair must become a lived discipline, not just language.

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1. Daily Self-Examination
Begin with an honest inventory. Where have I used words, tone, silence, or pressure in ways that harm? Replace defensiveness with confession and change.

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2. Consent as a Spiritual Discipline
Affirm that love never coerces. Seek clear, enthusiastic consent in all intimate interactions. Respect “no,” hesitation, and boundaries without negotiation.

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3. Emotional Regulation Work
Commit to learning how to handle anger, rejection, and stress without harm. Use counseling, men’s groups, or coaching to build discipline and self-control.

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4. Accountability Circle
Form a small circle of men who meet regularly. Share truthfully. Ask hard questions. Give one another permission to correct and redirect behavior.

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5. Believe and Support Women
Listen without interrogation. Do not minimize or explain away harm. Connect survivors to resources and stand with them publicly and privately.

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6. Interrupt Harm in Real Time
Challenge misogynistic language, jokes, and behavior among peers. Silence is complicity. Correction is part of repair.

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7. Redefine Strength
Practice strength as restraint, patience, and protection. Reject models of masculinity rooted in dominance or control.

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8. Repair When You Have Caused Harm
Acknowledge specifically what you did. Apologize without conditions. Accept consequences. Change behavior consistently over time.

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9. Create Safe Spaces at Home and Church
Ensure that women and children are safe, heard, and respected. Establish clear expectations and a zero-tolerance policy for violence or intimidation.

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10. Stay on the Wall
Make this ongoing work. Do not retreat when it becomes uncomfortable. As Nehemiah said, “I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down.”

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